Tag Archives: prayer

Pt.3 : I could finally feel it.

9 Mar

Night after night I sat in that big room on those blue chairs thinking and praying, but mostly… striving. I thought maybe if I got up and paced or walked around that I could work up some encounter, some interaction with God. I went to all my classes, did all my homework, studied and tried to put forth my best effort, but my heart was still dettached to all that was happening around me.
I was still depressed, still without joy, and still unable to enjoy life and this new opportunity and place God led me to.

I recall one particular night I was talking to the Lord and was very simple and straightforward with what I was praying. I think it went something like this:

“ I feel empty with nothing left to give you. So I can be here another few months and go through the motions and that’s fine with me, ill do it. But I’d like to be changed. Id love to be healed. Id love to be free and delivered from this state I’ve brought myself to.”

I never heard an audible voice and I never felt a warm embrace…
I didn’t have one sole encounter that changed everything in a mere instant.
But after praying that honest and raw prayer, I opened my bible to Psalms 18:19 and I read something that finally broke the ice. It felt like this verse was written for me, right in that moment where I was found in Kansas city, in that big room sitting on that blue chair, desperately needing an answer, needing… something. I read these words::

“He brought me out into a spacious place; he delivered me because he delighted in me.”

That one sentence felt like a hammer. Like those few words actually had the power to chip away the calloused places within. I read that verse and realized i had no other choice but to belive it. I had to swallow those words down and let them sink deep. I had to believe that there was a God that knew me full well, exactly where I was – In the midst of all my brokenness and imperfections. And this God was going to gladly and willingly, take delight and pleasure in delivering me. The confused, hurt, and broken ME. I had to believe it.

I didn’t fully change in that moment, but it was the start of something. The start of my walls coming down and my heart finding life and hope again.

I realized He was present and tangible that night.
He was accessible and not afar off.
He wasn’t in space looking down in disappointment, but He was kind and tender.
He was willing to meet me in the thick of my fog, in the dark and deep trenches I dug myself into, just so He could look me in the eyes with His steady and loving gaze and remind me of His affections again:

“I will deliver you because I delight in you.”

He was ever-present and I never recognized it. He was near all along and I never knew it. He was for me and I could finally feel it.

… and it was that night, that these words of Truth became my anchor of hope.

Pt.1: an unexpected journey

5 Mar

This past Thursday I flew to Kansas City, MO to stay with a really good friend of mine. I was there to spend time with her, visit others, and to see a very special place that is truly near and dear to my heart. A place where I was found. A place where I finally felt discovered… and I don’t mean by man’s recognition and eyes. In this place i was seen and known by a tender God who encountered me in subtle and real ways at typically 3am. As I sat in a chair, in a room, found in a building that was wedged within in a long strip mall in Grandview KC – it was there, in the unlikeliest of places, that I was found.

Almost 4 years ago, was the ending of my first (and only - surprise!) relationship. I was devastated. I thought I was going to marry this guy, and my happily ever after was on its way. My story was unfolding like I had wanted, like I had always pictured it would. Not to get into that relationship too much, but let’s just say it didn’t end so happily after all.

I was heartbroken and slowly began sinking into a very depressed state of being. I dropped to a measly 107lbs, with a face shrunken in and that flicker of life in my eyes slowly fading out…

My parents presented to me the option of moving away to Kansas City for a few months to Intern at the International House of Prayer (IHOP), a ministry that I had always loved and wanted to be a part of since my early teen years. Oddly enough, I didn’t want to go. Had they asked me a few years earlier, I would have had my bags packed in 10min. But this time, I didn’t want to leave. Of course I was the typical girl who thought my relationship would piece itself back together somehow, someway… surely I wasn’t wrong all along.

I finally came to grips with the mess I was and ended up agreeing to move to KC.
I quickly applied and was approved to the internship, I packed up my things, and just a few short weeks later my dad was driving me to the Midwest, to a very ghetto-ish place where id spend the majority of my time in one big room.

…and that was the start of a very unexpected journey I was about to begin.

——————————————-

I promise the goal of this story isn’t about the relational healing I found, although that happened. And it’s not about me promoting an internship, although it was amazing. I want to tell you my story of how I was found in the midst of brokenness, and slowly reassembled by a very kind, patient and loving God in the dark hours of the night. How I discovered what prayer was, and what it was not. What I’d thought all along about this seemingly sacred act, that became real. Tangible. Personal. And Enjoyable.
I want to spend my next few posts continuing this story. I hope you trek along with me.

a sincere question.

13 Jan

“How can I pray for you?”

ive been asked this question plenty of times.
sometimes i was annoyed by it and felt as if it was someones duty at church to ask me this - as if it were just a protocol question, but i wouldn’t feel a genuine care from them…
and other times i was dying for someone to ask me that question. just waiting with anticipation – who will care about me, who will fight with me and help shoulder this weight that’s wearing me down?!

i have a feeling, there’s gotta be more people out there like me.
maybe you’re waiting for someone to ask you this question, wanting so badly to lean into someone else’s prayers for once.
your need for prayer could come from deep tragedy that’s left you living without hope, or maybe you’re having a crappy day at work and your kids are driving you bonkers, or maybe your dad was just diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and you feel like all breath and faith was just knocked out of you.
no matter the degree of trial or level of circumstances, there is always a part of you, that needs another. that needs someone to come into the trenches, grab a shovel, and help you shoulder a weight too heavy for one.

and here is the reason for the long paragraphs above.
i want you to know that there is someone who loves and cares about your needs, your struggles, and your pain.
i want to know how i can pray for you.
how i can agree with God about whats going on in your life or what you’re believing Him for, today.
i want that to become a new common trend with you, my friends, family, and others. i want it to be a usual thing, a normal thing, to send a text or email or phone call and say “hey, pray for me today!” why be alone, when you can find more strength and grace  for the journey with others alongside of you.

i believe that lifting up another and coming into agreement with God over someone else’s life, can be one of the most beneficial thing for your heart and theirs. it takes your eyes off yourself, your problems, and your tiny scope on life, and it sets your heart and mind on how you can love others well. how you can bear another’s burden, how you can help carry and shoulder another’s weight - whether it be in the natural or in prayer. (Gal 6:2)

with such genuine care i ask a question that i have at times been so eager and desperate for someone to ask me… how can i pray for you (whether the need is big or small, it matters not)?!  
please feel free to post your request in the comment section, or if you feel more comfortable Email Me, or call (if you have my number:)
i wanna pray with you and for you, so please, let me know how i can. or please let someone else you know how they could.

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